Hello America: I'm Don Rumsfeld. You may remember me as the Secretary of Defense who initiated Operation: Piss Off the World, or from my cameo appearances on Full House, where I played Danny Tanner's estranged brother-in-law. How bout them Olsen twins, eh? Hey, I got closer than you ever will, SUCKA!
Speaking of which, I've recently had a lot of mixed press over my leaked memo, which USA Today originally portrayed as grim and doubtful! Ha! Amazingly, the New York Times and Washington Post came to my aid, pointing out that it's nice to have a strong leader who's still willing to ask introspective, difficult questions. Instapundit, as usual, was right in my corner the whole time. And Lileks actually argues that our reactions to world events have been sluggish, and we need to pick up the pace! I mean, he actually posits that I could and should move a lot faster and more urgently on things! Can you even believe it? I can't even believe I'm writing it!
Am I troubled by McPaper's spin? Hardly, but I understand why you might think so. Quite the contrary, I highly admire McPaper's ability to place their desired spin on any subject they choose. And that, combined with the bleating of Lileks, has convinced me that it's time to reveal my greatest idea ever:
"I shall call it: MiniLove!"
Yes, that's right, you heard right: I've suggested a "'21st-century information agency in the government' to help in the international battle of ideas and to limit the teaching of terrorism and extremism!" It'll be marvelous! Marvelous!!Imagine: no more people coming up to me and saying "Hey, Rummy, where are those pesky Weapons of Mass Destruction?" They'll be too afraid to think those treasonous thoughts! And that's really beautiful. Thanks Lileks! Thanks McPaper!
The real benefit is that the thought agency, or as I prefer to think of it, "Ministry of Love," would be a subsidiary part of the DoD, so it'd be up to me--Donald Rumsfeld--to determine which thoughts are permissible and which are "extremist," without having to worry about any of that "beholden to the American people" garbage. I mean, the American people are a bunch of whiny rights-huggers, when it comes right down to it. And I'm so even-handed about acceptable thought. I'm glad I'm here, and not some other bozo. And here's a guy who's already got the ball rolling in Iraq! [r.r.] Great job, Paul. Megadittoes!
If we get re-elected, I'll get to make MiniLove AND MiniWar! George already says if we win in '04, I get to go after North Korea, Syria, Iran, and, time-permitting, three South American countries to be named later.
I probably shouldn't put all this out there, for anyone to read. I mean, McPaper might get a hold of it! But then again, that might not be such a bad thing...
Mr. Rumsfeld,
I truly appreciated your insightful post. You have inspired me to check my voter registration status.
if you're taking questions still....
wouldn't you say that American Revolutionaries, by todays standards, would be considered terrorists? Furthermore- doesn't that point illustrate fairly clearly that words like "terrorist" are sort of stupid?
Oh yeah- and isn't declaring war on a concept stupid too? If we're going to do that...why not declare war on Bad Taste- or Uncertainty?
hmmm
Actually, it's funny you should mention that, Dana. American Revolutionaries most certainly were terrorists in the propaganda of the establishment at the time.
Very good point, yes, yes.
Uriah
Posted by: Uriah at November 1, 2003 12:06 PM