I was thinking today, for no really good reason, of a time about eight months ago when I was parked in the mall, waiting for the little lady. I'm just reading Bass Player, minding my own business. And this little old lady pulls up and parks on my passenger side, and opens her door. Hard. And she hit mine. Hard. I should explain: this was not a tap. It was a real thunk.
So the old lady finishes tottering her old lady body out of her old lady car, and peers down at the old lady damage she caused. And she gives me an old lady look, through my passenger side window, and watches me getting out of the driver's side...and just fucking walks away.
At this point, a few options occur to me:
1. I could yell at her. What would that accomplish? It's not like she'd come back and apologize: it's obvious enough that when an old lady makes eye contact with you and walks away, an apology is not forthcoming.
2. I could run her down, tackle her, and beat her face in. Despite not being in shape, or particularly versed in the ways of the fist, I feel confident that the battle would go my way. What would that accomplish? I'd feel a sense of retribution. She'd learn lessons about parking lot etiquette that she wouldn't forget for the rest of her life (I'm guessing 2-8 months). But I'd most likely be seen, and I'd go to jail, and they don't serve A&W root beer in jail, so that would've been a bad idea.
3. I could glare ominously at her and inspect the damage caused to my car. This is what I chose to do. Fortunately, the damage was slight, and I care little about the aesthetics of my car. This is probably why I didn't do something so drastic as run her down and beat her senseless.
But you see, it was my societal obligation to chase and pummel her, because that would've taught her a lesson! Now other poor schmoes have to deal with that situation again...and again...and again...as she lives out her old lady life opening her old lady door into other cars, and walking away like fucking old people just rule the goddamned world! I had an opportunity to improve society, make my lasting mark--however subtle--and I hung my head and let the opportunity slip away. For shame!
How can I live with myself after not beating Holy Hell out of that old woman?
Posted by Chris at December 1, 2003 10:14 PM | TrackBackDon't worry, Chris. As you pointed out in option two, her life expectancy is not exactly stellar. Based on your estimate of 2 to 8 months, and that it is now 8 months later, it is quite possible that you have already out-lived her.
Indeed, it's quite possible that there is a recently born dung beetle out there somewhere, wistfully wishing that it had just been more considerate to that poor fellow's car in its previous life.
Karmic Retribution, baby.
Posted by: Nabil at December 2, 2003 03:02 AM"versed in the ways of the fist" -is that like Wu-tang style and so forth?
Posted by: Dana at December 2, 2003 08:00 PMpussy.
Posted by: Snack Master at December 8, 2003 03:49 AMI know. There's no denying it. All I can say is this: my resolve is steeled, and the next old woman had better watch it!
Posted by: Chris at December 8, 2003 09:40 AMI told off some old man who referred to me as 'son' a few weeks back- pissed me off.
I don't think there's any reason to wait around for an old lady to piss you off- just start in on'em
Posted by: Dana at December 8, 2003 10:07 AM