The Root Beer Blog

October 28, 2003

Hello America

Hello America: I'm Don Rumsfeld. I agreed to guest blog on this site because I've always loved Pepsi.

I was going to write about how well the war on terror is going, but Lolly posted some questions for me, and I'll answer them instead:

---
Q: Hello Donald...

A: Hi Lolly

Q: A few questions if you have time....

A: I don't, but I'll answer them anyway.

Q: How much should people think 2 and 2 are? (in case I'm asked)

A: Well, of course, that depends: 2 and 2 of what? Obviously, 2 + 2 Islamic terrorists could total in the hundreds of thousands. 2 + 2 false rationales for waging war against soverign nations adds up to zero. The rule is this: 2 + 2 equals 5; 2 + 2 always has equaled 3; and 2 + 2 always will equal 7. The idea that I've ever said 2 + 2 equals anything other than 9 is simply ridiculous; the traitorous press has obviously taken my simple, direct statement that 2 + 2 equals 13 and twisted it until it seems that I've said 2 + 2 equals 1. They do this to undermine our anti-terrorism efforts, because they, like the terrorists, hate America and our freedoms and they hate all lands where 2 + 2 equals 11.

Q: Does the alphabet really need c,k,q,x? Couldn't we get by with just one of those?

A: Look, look. The alphabet is like a...like a chicken. You can't just go cutting parts out of it and still expect it to squawk. But you can add parts, and I'm please to announce that a coalition of the willing is donating some exciting new Cyrillic and Mandarin characters.

Q: Sure you're doing your part to solve overpopulation issues abroad- but what about our domestic overpopulation?

A: Sorry, that's Ashcroft's department.
---

Thanks for your support, Lolly.

Do we have a long way to go? Yes, we do. Am I happy about the progress we've made? Certainly! Do I have more I want to say? I'd like to talk about the spin regarding my leaked memo. Will I do that tomorrow? Probably! Did I intend to do that today? I sure did! Why didn't I? Is it because I slept late and spent the whole day on my couch watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with my dog, Shizzle? Absolutely not! This is how rumors get started and the facts get lost! The truth is, I woke up late and sat on my couch all day watching Queer Eye with my dog, Shizzle. Was I eating Bugles? Sure I was!

Am I glad Slate discovered my poetic genius? Somewhat. Those were all off-the-cuff, by the way.

I'll be back tomorrow! Are you glad? Of course you are!

Posted by Rummy at October 28, 2003 10:37 PM | TrackBack